|
|
A pig and a chicken were
walking by a church where a charity event was taking place. Getting
caught up in the atmosphere, the pig suggested to the chicken that they
each make an offering.
"Great idea!" the chicken replied. "Let's offer them ham and eggs!"
"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's an offering. For me, it's
a sacrifice."
A man called up a Bible believing church and the church secretary
answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said "I'd like
to speak to the head Hog."
The secretary replied, "that wasn't a very nice thing to say about our
beloved minister, Rev. Jones."
Again the man replied, "I'd like to speak to the head hog, because I'm
going to donate $75,000.00 to the church."
She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's
door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask,
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire.
Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started
squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here,
the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and
saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit
a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.
When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out
'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to
eat all at once."
Q. What happened when the man stole a pig?
A. The pig squealed to the police.
Q. What does the little pig get every morning from his parents?
A. Hogs and kisses!
Q. What do you call a crafty pig?
A. CunningHam
Q. Why did the pig run away from the pig sty?
A. He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
Q. What does a pig use to write his term papers with?
A. Pen and Oink!
Q. What do you call a pig with no legs?
A. A groundhog!
Q. Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig?
A. Because he was an old boar.
A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a
baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig.
A short while later he is driving around town with the pig in the car
and a cop sees him and pulls him over.
The Cop says, "Hey, what are you doing with that pig in the car?"
The driver says, "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the
field."
The cop says, "I don't care, I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"
The driver agrees and drives off.
The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him
over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE
ZOO!!"
The driver replies, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a
good time we are going to the ball game now."
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was
driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replied, "Hag!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he
crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A pig walks into a bar and asks for 3 glasses of Coke, he drinks and
drinks and drinks and when he's finished he asks the bartender where the
bathroom is. The bartender tells him it's down there on the left and the
pig goes off to the bathroom.
Then a second little pig walks in and asks for 10 glasses of Coke, he
drinks and drinks and drinks and when he's finished he asks the
bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender tells him it's down there
on the left and the pig goes off to the bathroom.
Then another little pig comes in and asks for 100 glasses of Coke, he
drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks. The bartender says
"Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?
The pig says "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way
home."
Two brothers walked into town from their farms one day to buy pigs. On
the way home, one brother said to the other, "how will we know which pig
is mine and which is yours?" His brother pondered, then replied, "we
could cut the left ear off your pig, then we'll be able to tell them
apart". The man thought about this for a while then agreed. So, they cut
the left ear off the man's pig. After a bit, the two pigs began fighting
and the one-eared pig bit the left ear off the other pig. This posed the
problem again, so they decided to cut the right ear off one of the pigs
so they would know which pig was which. After a time, the pigs fought
again and yes, the earless pig bit the right ear off the other pig.
Not knowing what to do, they discussed cutting one of the pigs tails
off. Agreed. Again, the pigs fought and both ended up tailless.
Then, one brother suggested they cut one of the pigs hind legs off.
Finally after much thought, the other brother said, "that is just too
inhumane. How about we say the black pig is yours and the white one is
mine....
The president got off the helicopter in front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied, "Nice trade, sir."
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something
that happened fifty years ago."
A Hindu, priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the
car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer
informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two
twin beds.
They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After
much discussion, the Hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments
later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the Hindu explained that there
was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly
sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the
door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he,
being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn
with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments
later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
A pig goes into the Western Union. It goes up to the counter, picks
up a slip, runs over to the table, grabs a pen in its mouth and starts
writing.
After a couple of minutes, it picks up the slip and takes it back to
the clerk at the counter.
The clerk picks it up, reads it, "Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink,
oink, stop."
He looks at the pig, and says, "You know, you get 10 words for $3.50.
You could add three more words to this."
The pig looks at the clerk and says, "Well, I could, but it wouldn't
make much SENSE THEN, would it!"
|
